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March 23rd, 2007 | 8:28pm
i'm slightly happier today. yest was so depressing. life on my own as a relief teacher is so scary. hafta socialise (big-time), handle admin work from supervisor, e-learning, marking from both teachers, handling relationships bet teacher aides/me/teacher/students, tutoring programme, tuition, random requests from students for me to help them. haish i'm such a workaholic.

it was so gratifying for me to hear from my ex-student, the one that i taught at night class, that he did well! he rmbs me! i'm really really very touched. he rmbs me as "miss dimples" hahahaah. night classes seems so long ago! well, i'm glad to have made a difference! whoooooo.

students are sweet. they make me feel so popular around sch. firstly, teacher aides tell me about sufiyan and his "do you know keting, my friend!!!!", and one by one students come to find me about different things. and i din expect the wonderful turnout for the tutoring programme today, thought it was just the same two persons!

i had to drag myself to sch today after a depressing discussion with myself/gaoyuan/gorgor yest. found a whole stack of test papers awaiting my arrival on my desk, courtesy of my dear teacher hahaaha it provided so much comic relief la, bet my students all din study properly, with the exception of the precious few who din do too well even though they prob mugged their brains out. -pities. the ans were hilarious! i just kept giggling to myself on the spot.

socialising is such a tricky business. spreading my love around is just too difficult, and as gorgor says, it's one thing to help, it's another to be overdoing it and simply slogging for nothing. he says i shouldn't work for credit/praise/acknowledgment/recognition, haish. i tried doing that, working with simple goals like WOW i made a diff in this person's life today i'm so happy, but it just doesn't work for me. =((

March 3rd, 2007 | 5:30pm
[ mood | depressed ]

i conclude that i'm still a kid. damn stupid and embarrassing, cried for no reason in sch and couldn't stop crying, (think i might know why though, i did that in china in 2004, fell sick after that. and today, i feel feverish). stupid stupid stupid stupid ket.

unrelated to this matter, but equally troubling, is the issue of what to do in school without feeling useless all day. well, some of the fault probably lies with me cos i dunno exactly what i can do to make my school stint more meaningful for myself without the teaching experience that i initially sought. i tried hinting to my hod countless times, but to no avail save for additional admin and marking load. (not that i mind it, it makes me feel really useful when i have nothing to do cos i can look VERY BUSY) and in cold comfort, i began to arrange for a stint somewhere else. yet, now that i've gotten news of a possible stint, i am reluctant to leave. hahaha humans are creatures of habit. i took some time to adapt to the non-rg/rj culture here and inevitably, i would find it difficult to leave my students, my colleagues, my supervisors, the messy cubicle gao yuan and i share, the new friends i've made =((

ok so i've come to the decision that i dun wanna do silly babysitting now and then, i just wanna be wholly involved in the classes that i'm supposed to asst teach in, and not get paid so that it's purely voluntary and they can't shove some random relief load on me.

my students and colleagues were sooo sweet =DD heh i din expect the 4E boys esp one particular boy to actually sit down and try to cheer me up. it was so funny la, normally he suans me really loudly in class, then he used the same tactic to console me as i was trying to make myself cry more to actually get over the whole crying affair =x. obviously he achieved the opposite effect and made me so amused i couldn't continue crying. silly boy =D

boy: 5 minutes of silence for (misschong) to cry
me: ok, isn't this the cue for you to go away and lemme cry?
boy: no, we'll sit here and WATCH YOU CRY.

i realise 4E really gives me tons of amusement during class. marcus with his "you're the older sister i never had" or his useless threats like "ah cher, see i treat you like the older sister i never had, then you say things like that, you wait, later your a levels FAIL", sufiyan with his "teacher, dun think i dunno why you wanna sit there, i know what you're hiding!", "teacher, stop acting cute" and his "teacher, time for siu mai! later no siu mai, i hold you responsible!", harry with his "TEACHER, HERE NOW", jordan and gang with their acting stupid and refusal to understand what i teach, yasmine and fatin and gerald with their countless threats to hunt down my house cos they know where i live, radin chairman(sufiyan) yasmine and fatin for all the jokes they make about me or about how my supervisor is teaching, eric yancong etc "later i ask my english teacher whether this is correct!" ---- having english debate over a maths problem, "teacher dun fall down ok!" --- when i have no prior experience of falling down =x

later some of my 2H students also asked me whether i was ok =DD happy. in fact gg to 2H made me immensely happy cos alot of the students can open up to me now. played some funny game with haikel and wanru. =DD

haish, my actions were rather stupid in some ways. right after my bout of crying, i heard that my hod had told some of my colleagues she din know what to do if i weren't around, and that the work i produced had a certain standard. well, now that i've heard that, i feel like i've let her down in too many ways hahaha. i most definitely do not deserve her praise, nor do i particularly slog my life out for her cos i hanker after her approval, but it really brightened up my day after that. =DD

hm after that was dragged out for lunch by my really lovely colleague/supervisor. supervisor drove us there, colleague treated us! they're incredibly nice ppl, but haish, had no mood nor appetite to enjoy lunch, just wanted to wallow in self-misery and depression. the atmosphere during lunch was really funny/weird though, it was like gg out with my parents HEHEHEHE. think they'll kill me if they hear this. anw more insights gleaned during lunch, apparently my supervisor thinks i add value to his class and that 4E really loves me (completely not true though haha, quite the contrary, but that's for me to keep to myself!)

got to know some of my colleagues better after yest, esp mrchua and mrkoo. mr chua with his black face all morn, running around tanah merah and scares. cheehoe with his treat and our plot to leave at the same time to see what would happen to one of the teachers we're both asst teaching under.

witnessed 5 public canings this week. no comments.

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